Faux What?
There has been an emergence recently of blinds made from what is being called ‘Faux Wood’, which seems like something of an oxymoron to us. Faux wood? Fake wood? Can wood be fake? Faux Wood, when you take the pretention off, is… (drum-rolllll) plastic.
Just in case you were not aware, plastic does not grow on trees, wood does though. According to the internet (therefore, science):
‘Plastics are human-made, synthetic polymers made from long chains of carbon and other elements. Through a process called cracking, crude oil and natural gases are converted to hydrocarbon monomers like ethylene, propylene, styrene, vinyl chloride, ethylene glycol, and so on. These are then mixed with other chemicals to produce a desired finished product. Additional additives include bacteria, heat, light, colour, and friction. To create the desired form and shape of the plastic, the materials are finally cast, spun, moulded, fabricated, extruded, or applied as a coating on another material’.
Lots of science, no trees.
This is wood.
This is not.
Well, at Wooden Blinds Direct we like to sell wooden blinds made of, you guessed it, wood! All our wooden blinds are made from 100%, sustainably sourced, Basswood. Basswood is the perfect material for making blinds. It’s light, resilient and best of all has a distinctive grain pattern, which when stained or painted really shines through.
Now, us being a company born and bred in Yorkshire, we like to call a spade a spade. There is nothing wrong with a blind being made of plastic, they have very practical properties such as water resistance and fire retardation, which makes them fantastic in kitchens and bathrooms. Nor are they unattractive. They are indeed painted to look like wood, and some do a bloody good job. However they are not wood. They are plastic. Therefore we would refer to them as such. We suppose ‘Plastic Blind with Wood Effect’ doesn’t quite sound as fancy as Faux Wood, but a spade is a tool for digging…
‘E’s not wrong, a spade is a tool for diggin’! When ah was a lad…’
It is not necessarily the material used to construct the blinds that we have an issue with, as mentioned it has some very practical properties. It is more the marketing guff that surrounds them.
Being water resistant, ‘Faux Wood’ blinds are very easy to clean. Fair enough. But according to the Google search we just did (therefore: fact) there has not been a single incident of condiments coming in contact with a wooden blind. Ever. So perhaps this is something of an unnecessary consideration.
Of course, if you live in Fantasycrazycrazy Land and are constantly getting wine, mustard, brown sauce and other such condiments on your blinds and the only possible way you can foresee to get your blinds clean is to take them to the bath with you then, by all means, you buy that ‘Faux Wood’ and you bathe it proudly. But the grown-ups will be drawing up our 50mm walnut slats with matching tapes while those dastardly condiments are restrained in the fridge.
There is a lot said about ‘Faux Woods’ ability to stand up to changing temperature and humidity’s, which if we lived in the Congo, might be something we’d consider. But then if we lived in the Congo we’d be more concerned about Tarantula Hawk Wasps and ‘freedom fighters’ than blinds warping. In reality the temperature in UK rarely gets up to anything to panic about. It might feel warm to us, but let’s face it, we’re pasty English pansies.
Thoroughly nice chaps.
It has been claimed by some that ‘Faux Wood’ blinds are ‘virtually indestructible’. Let’s just take a look at that. ‘Faux Wood’ blinds are actually made from PVC, the tensile strength of PVC is 34 MPa*, which isn’t bad to be fair. However; Tsar Bomba created by the Russians and tested in 1961 is the most powerful device ever created by man. It was a Hydrogen bomb with a 50 megaton TNT yield. It weighed 27 tons, was 8 metres long and was so big it had to be flown by a specially modified plane. When detonated the fireball was visible 620 miles away and the mushroom cloud peaked at 40 miles high (over 7 times the height of Mount Everest, and in fact deep into the mesosphere (that’s the one above the stratosphere)). All the buildings in the village of Serverny, 34 miles away, completely evaporated. Abodes hundreds of kilometres away were destroyed and window’s 560 miles away were broken. It is even reported that windows in Finland shattered. The seismic shock of the blast was still measurable on its third passage around the earth. And even though it was detonated 4km above the Earth it made the floor at ground zero smoother than an ice rink. It was so hot in fact that it could cause 3rd degree burns 62 miles away. The average power of the fission-fusion process, which lasted around 39 nanoseconds, was roughly 33.8 Yottawatts. Translated to English that is 1.4% the power output of the Sun. ONE POINT FOUR PERCENT OF THE POWER OF THE SUN! AND IT WAS HALF THE SIZE THEY ORIGINALLY PLANED!
So yes, PVC is ‘tough’ but indestructible… maybe not.
Can destroy most of the planet. PVC is unharmed.
We do actually stock ‘Faux Wood’ blinds made by a separate manufacturer. As mentioned, they have a definite place in the window furnishing world, and we would be remiss not to provide that service. But when you come to us, you get good ol’ fashioned Yorkshire honesty. They are made of plastic, they look like wood, they are water and fire resistant and good in bathrooms and kitchens. But they will not add to your IQ, lower your mortgage repayments or add inches to your… height.
*The tensile strength of Basswood is 60 MPa, if only those houses in Severney had real wood blinds fitted…
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